For all the pain I put you through. For all the confusion. I apologize for putting my goals, imagination and pride first. I am sorry am weak. So I run from any potential hurm I see. So I would be the one to break you, rather than an outside party. I figured the pain would be less. Am sorry I work more with my unreasonable brain then with you. Apology for not giving you a chance. Forgive me for the tears, the million thoughts and little sleep. For the night’s I wanna give up on you. For thinking I didn’t love you enough. But I care for you. I only want the best for you. And you deserve so much more than what you have accepted and gotten comfortable with. Please forgive me and believe that I mean every word .
And don’t give up on me just yet. Keep me going. Fight for what you want just a little bit longer. I truly appreciate the patience you had with me. For making me realise the beauty in everything and most importantly, the beauty in you. You keep me going. You keep me breathing. You keep me alive. You taught me to love and be peaceful everything in life. Thank you for accommodating all those amazing people my brain was rejecting.
Ey guys. Thank you so much for the continuous support. Truly appreciated. Hope you enjoyed that. If you do have suggestions for the next blog…. it would be appreciated. See you guys next Wednesday.
With no story written on it. Totally blank. Blank mind, no thoughts. You scared of the loud scary voices in your head. So you mute them. Shut them out. Just not think of it at all. Forget of all the memories of the child inside you crying with no support system. You said overthinking is all you could do. Now all You can take is a blank mind. Your heart is on shut down. All it managed to do is let the world step on you. It made you vulnerable and got you hurt multiple times. The love you gave was never returned. And you are tired. Tired of feeling too deep. Tired of the weather moods… Tired of the heartache.
Now you got no heart. No mind. You just a moving body with no One in the driver’s seat. Every hour passes just like the previous one. Just like tomorrow. Nothing is changing. You like it like them. Constant. No disappointment.
You scrambled. All the lines indicating the scars on you from all that happened. You just waiting to be thrown out because you believe that you got no future and the world does want you.
You mistaken. I love your scars and the white page presents purity. Your story is presented by lines. Lines that I see as creativity and art. All you need is colour and you a master piece. I still need you. I want to hear your story. I wanna hear your story.
Lemme help get your spark. Steal my smile if you can. Let’s share the colours. Let’s create this happy person that you been proud of. Let me show your that hidden smile. 😄
Ey guys. I know I promised a longer updated, but I am doing training right now so my time is limited till next week. So please do bare with me. Most importantly, thank you so much for getting time to read this. Feel free to reach out Please.
What is perfection? Is it inside, outside or both. I avoid the perfection talks because I believe that I do not fit in the perfect category even though you believe I am. I’m not saying am ugly, definitely not. But being simply pretty doesn’t make me perfect either. So why do you think that I am perfect? Is it my shaped and drawn eyebrows? Or maybe the popping makeup? Maybe it’s the beautiful chocolate brown skin and hazel eyes. But what if one had all that, but with an ugly heart? Would they be perfect?
-complete and without faults
-completely correct; exact and accurate
(Oxford dictionary definitions)
Am I completely without faults? I don’t believe so. Yet everyday you call me perfect with the perfect life. Perfection is seen differently by different people. So please Be specific. And becareful when using it because I might have the Nike shoes you believe are perfect, but her PEP pumps are perfect to her.
I have the perfect makeup that’s hiding my insecurities that aren’t perfect.
And for people that say “You got the perfect life and relationship “. Why do you do that? 😞
No such thing exist. You saying that complicates one’s way of thinking. Because our lives are never perfect, yet I have the need to not be lower than your expectations. So I keep pushing myself so much harder until I no longer appreciate the good I have.
All thanks to your simple terms that run out of your mouth. Yeah, my family and I got our fun days and you impressed, but I have to hide the days we can’t afford bread. The perfect relationship with dinners and gifts, are covering the bruises in my heart and on my face because he’s insecure. The perfect closet is thanks to my friends, family and the man I can’t name. And the car 😂, I spent all my savings and I can’t afford petrol. I can’t ask for help because you made the world think am perfect. I should stand up to that- right?
So all i can do is apologize. I apologize to that girl. That beautiful girl with beautiful dark skin but keeps bleaching it to be like me. Sorry to the guy who’s girlfriend doesn’t appreciate him because he doesn’t spoil her like mine spoils me. Sorry to the parents who lose their children because of saying no to their desire of wanting what I have. Sorry to you- for not seeing your perfection and worth because you busy focusing on the image you drew for me.
So again I don’t believe in perfection. It’s an imaginary term. But I do know of the word beautiful. “You got a beautiful heart, beautiful eyes and makeup. A beautiful relationship, beautiful car, beautiful house.Because the word perfect is a comparing term, but beautiful is a term on it own. Use it more often without making another feel less than. ❤
Ey guys…. you have no idea how happy I felt writing this after Such a long time. Truly hope y’all would relate and enjoy it as much as I do…. I have decided to be posting every Wednesday at 15h00 if not 17h00 depending on work. I can no longer post twice in a week like previous…. usually get exhausting.
Hi guys…. feels great to be back. Life kept me so busy that I might have lost purpose of this blog. It was selfish of me unfortunately. Thank you to all the people that constantly kept reaching out. I am back for good. As I did leave all social media platforms, am getting all that back to have better communication with all of you…. I don’t have fixed updates yet but a new updated is already done… waiting to be posted…. really proud of it. Hope you all will be…. So expect announcements for the next update on my IG: shes.Esty
We in a crazy world. One full of horrific experiences. People die everyday and everyday is a start of a living nightmare for the baby born every minute. Its really crazy. Some survive it and some ended before the conclusion.
I was almost part of that statics, but I am so happy that’s no longer possible.
To seek happiness people try everything. Drugs to see stars, alcohol to forget or suicide to permanently numb the pain. Even though I am so proud that I don’t drink or smoke anything, that wasn’t always the case. I too wanted to escape my world… I wanted weed or some type of pill, but being a “saint” I didn’t even know how or where to find it. Maybe scared to. Plus, I could never truly steal my dad’s liquor. So instead, the pain remain constantly in my heart and mind.
I am thankful for my fear because I now know how to find the fantasy world without any harmful substances in my system.
As weird as it sounds, I started visualizing what I wanted and wrote it everywhere. I distract myself with things that make me happy. It became a habit and soon enough, I lost sight of the current troubles.
I see myself very happy. With that beautiful house and car. With kids that have open communication with their parents. I see myself as that beautiful, independent and successful lady changing the world. Saving the youth from poverty, mental illnesses. I see myself on a stage speaking to hundreds of people.
It always works for me. I tend to smile whenever the thoughts come in. Your thoughts are yours. You see what you wanna see and not the negative “fact” people tell you.
I feel like I have the biggest dreams ever. I strive for what many do not have, especially in an expensive country like mine with all the economic crisis happening.
Something am learning is how to believe in people too. Don’t get me wrong, I love people. Working them, even more, but I have a fear or betrayal and disappointment. So am working on seeing people in my fantasy world too. I wanna see the good in everyone, even those who try to make my life a living hell. Those people got problems too, reason they wanna trouble your life as well.
So that’s my fantasy world. Full of colors and normal human being. Huge dreams and a lot of happiness.
Ey guys. Once again, you emails and messages were encouraging. So glad y’all are reading and understand my way of things. Could post Saturday, sorry for that.
Will be post every Wednesday day and Saturday. Will place it in my bio too.
To he honest, the term never give up doesn’t sit well with me really. It’s a phrase that has great influence in your life negatively and positively. As a kid, giving up on anything was not an option at all. I held to my word whenever it is said out loud. It was all good until someone made me promise to never give up on them. I didn’t really get time to digest the promise I was gonna make due to the heat of the moment. This soon hunted me. I soon gave up on myself without even knowing in the process of not wanting to give up on the other person. This person constantly took me for granted and I knew that, but the promise I made was greater. So I constantly stayed not wanting to break my promise.
I soon understood that everything as an exception. Such as this phrase. Do not keep fighting for anything that steals your peace, morals and sleep. It is really not worth it. It is impossible to work on someone that can’t work on themselves.
We are not Santa, Jesus, Allah etc. we are simply human, we can’t grand miracles.
So let’s change this phrase. Do not give up on you or anything that brings you happiness. True happiness, not toxic type of happiness. Fight to have want you wants because you have the power to get it all. And don’t be scared to ask for help. We can’t make it on our own sometimes.
When it comes to us, I don’t even think its an option to give up on ourselves. We always make way for special ones. Even our phones, so I am pretty sure you can make time for your dreams too. And to be for reals, forgiving up on anything is actually really selfish and inconsiderate to our souls. How do you feel when someone gives up on you? Pretty sure not happy. So imagine how it feels to give up on yourself when your only true friend is yourself.
So stop complaining and nagging on how hard life is. How hard it is too reach anything because we have all been there and we all made it. You can and will too. I am quite sure.
Hi guys. Thanks for reading again and for reaching out. It means a lot. I have been quite busy lately so I didn’t prepare my post to today before time.
Because of my word, I did feel to need to write something. Next post will hopefully be longer.
Hey guys… thank you so much for the love on my previous posts. It makes me believe that someone somewhere is really taking this to heart and I their day, if not minute. My real aim is to simply let people know that the world isn’t as negative as many see it. There’s so much to be grateful for.
Huge thanks to my diary and best friend for suggesting this topic to write about. This is dedicated to you Imms.
I often find myself depressed and sad over the simplest things. This is the reason why the gratitude attitude helps to constantly see the good things in life rather than the negative.
The key to my happiness is gratitude. Whenever I think of something negative, I simply remind myself of how it could be worse. Having friends betray me is nothing new. So, besides being depressed about it all the time, I take it as a lesson and move on from it. I limit the number of friends I have and what I say to them. Currently, I only have less than a hand full of friends I can truly place my life on them. Most of them being boys because they create less drama and gossip less too.
I once hated my body too. I found myself to skinny, my butt too small, my color too orange like, my hair too thick and straight, too tall etc. I never really appreciated my body and I am so disappointed in myself for that. There are people out there who are extremely too tall or too short. Some are disabled, got no color pigment or have malnutrition if not obese. Now am not saying that having no color pigments, be different or being obese is bad. Do not even feel down if that is you because the world got bigger problems than that. If you truly dislike how you are, change. Hit the gym, use makeup, make you butt bigger. If it makes you happy, bleach. Forget about what the world thinks and do you. Just stop being so unhappy. Surround yourself with people who truly care for you and be grateful because you don’t know when they will disappear. That ugly cheap thing you got is way better than her not getting anything. Stop making everything about yourself. See what’s happening to others in the world and always appreciate what you have.
I recently found myself on YouTube. Listening to Sam Berns’s interview on his philosophy to be happy. By the time, he was in junior high. He had progeria. A rare disease that causes rapid growth in children. He knew he had more or less 13 years to live and yet, nothing stopped him. He didn’t let his disease let him sit back and watch others do things while he was depressed, but instead, he took part in all he wanted to do. He was grateful to be breathing everyday that he woke up.
There are many examples I can make but that’s not the point. There are people who wish they had what you have. People in war, no access to water nor electricity. People who fear for they lives every day. So who are we to be so ungrateful? We complain about everything and appreciate nothing. Imagine being part of those kids that were involved in the shooting in Florida. Imagine being one of those parents waiting to hear whether your child made it or not.
Be grateful. Please. Stop making the world unhappy with your negative respond towards everything and be grateful. Everything happens for a reason, all at least that’s my way of coping with things. I believe things can always get worse, but they didn’t.
Be grateful you have a phone or computer with internet to read this post. Even if its somebody else, just like me using my cousin’s computer and stealing my neighbor’s Wi-Fi.
Things could be worse. But they aren’t. You still got a roof over your head even if it’s your aunts or a shelter. You have someone that makes sure you healthy and ate a meal in a day. Be grateful you at school because some aren’t and can’t . You have a future and goals while others do not have that opportunity.
Treasure all you have and smile often. Don’t forget that the more you appreciate then little you have, the more the universe will give you.
For me it works. Hopefully it works for you too.
Make the world a better place simply by being appreciative for all you have.
If you think I am being unreasonable and don’t understand, try me. I too was a depressed ungrateful teen that constantly saw all the negative. If I worked on myself to be happy, you can too.
Thanks for reading. Y’all keep me writing. Next post is on Wednesday. Comments are welcome and reach out. Am here and I care.